Well, hey there again, Doc. Como estas? Yeah, sit down, ya look wored the fuck out. Nah, don’t worry ‘bout the wait. You was busy, an’ it was ta help people; I don’t mind a little waitin’ fer that kinda shit.
Anyway, so yeah. Let’s see. I had a good day at the bettin’ booths the other day, an’ figgered you could use s’more money. Figger I can give the hospital ‘bout fifty grand, and still have plenty ta give some to the high school too, an’ hopefully that’ll set both you guys up fer a while.
How’s them upper floors doin’ by the way? Any signs of any monsters left ‘round? Sweet, glad ta hear it’s been purty quiet. Last fuckin’ thing ya guys need is ta hafta worry ‘bout monsters drivin’ people nuts while y’all are tryin’ ta save lives. If any place has gotta be safe, it’s def’nitely the hospital. I’ll pass on yer thanks ta the others.
Oh, yeah. I know yer busy, an’ I wasn’t just comin’ ta chat you up or nothin’, but I think this’ll be worth a few more minutes o’ yer time if ya kin spare it. Oh, sure, I can wait an hour or so. I gots some snacks, I’ll be cool fer a bit if you don’t mind me hangin’ out in here.
Hey, welcome back there, Doc. Shit, you gettin’ enough sleep? Yeah, underfunded and understaffed. Well, hopefully I can help with both them problems. There’s the money we talked ‘bout before. We’ll hit up the bank and get you that fifty grand. But hopefully I can help with the understaffed thing, too.
See, I had an idea. A real human doctor’s like a million times better, granted, but… you guys need a lotta fuckin’ help. So, I figger the next best thing is a robot. No, nothin’ like an AI. It’s just a tool. You tell it what to do, it does it. Spent a long fuckin’ time writing up it’s programming, lemme tell ya.
This here is Dr. Ottomata. See what I did there? Automata. Heh. So yeah, let’s see here. I set it up so’s it can do anything from triage to neurosurgery, long as it’s not too stupidly specialized. It’s got whole textbooks of medical knowledge in its cyber-brain thing. I even programmed in the ability to emulate human sympathies and sayin’ reassurin’ shit. It can answer most questions related to its diagnoses and treatments, and whenever it can’t it’ll say ta talk to one of the real docs. I mean, yeah I did think about makin’ it a proper AI, so’s it could learn to relate to folks an’ have real empathy, and answer all questions, and all that kinda shit. But there’s enough humans with proper upbringings that something like workin’ in an ER fucks up, I figgered better to leave it a tool than a person and throw them into that kinda situation.
So, let’s see… like I was sayin’, it can answer most questions, communicate with the nurses for what it needs, all that kinda thing. To make sure that it’s doin’ the right thing during treatment and surgery an’ shit, and so’s you can check in on it whenever you want, I set it up so’s it can transmit to anywhere within about a hundred yards. So you can set up a TV with a digital receiver in whatever rooms you think is appropriate and watch it work.
As an extra bonus, I also included a fuckload of sensors in it. It’s got standard vision and hearing, a’course. It’s got super-sensitive touch sensors, which I figger will be useful for surgery and shit. Also lets it take blood pressure and pulse without needin’ extra instruments. It’s got a full set o’ chemical sensors, so if yer laboratory’s overwhelmed at the moment, it can do basic shit like cell counts, blood typing, or whatever. Not a full laboratory replacement at all, but hopefully it’ll help a little. I also built-in sensors so it can do MRIs by itself, and it can do X-Rays, and it can even do sonograms for some additional non-invasive medical testin’. Sensors are all real high quality, too.
Only catch is that if you got it usin’ all its sensors at once, the G-Ray drain skyrockets. I mean, its tech-spirit is super fuckin’ comfy in there, don’t get me wrong. Most o’ the time it’ll only use ‘bout one G-ray an hour and work at full capacity. But if you start flipping all the sensors on, it’ll go up to 14 G-rays an hour. I figgered that’d be alright, though, ‘cause why would you have it performin’ an MRI and an X-Ray and a sonogram and testin’ for heavy metals and all the other shit it can do all at once? I mean sure, it could handle that, but it’d be impractical.
Let’s see… so yeah, full proper medical knowledge, surgical knowledge, capable of interacting with patients and answering questions even if it’s not the best at it… transmitting to monitors… various improved sensors… I think that’s the basic rundown. Spirit’s comfy enough that it shouldn’t risk anything real bad goin’ wrong; worst case she should just shut down for a bit if the spirit loses its grip.
I made you a print-out here, with the full extent of Dr. Ottomata’s functions. An’ if nothing else, you can just straight-up ask her if she can do something, and she’ll answer. Pays ta be specific though. Like I said, no AI, so its common sense is limited to what I thought to program in. It’s a tool to get you through tough shifts and help take some of the strain off yer people, like I said, not a proper replacement for a doctor.
But, yeah. I’m hopin’ it’ll work out. We’ll call this a beta test. I’m purty sure that I done thought this all through, but there could be problems that I ain’t thought of. If it works out, maybe I can make you a couple more. Couple o’ precautions though.
One: Make sure you don’t let no other Junkers open her up and fuck with her programming. Or anything else, for that matter. If there’s a problem with her, you talk to me, and ONLY to me about it. I’m sure some other jackass will say it ain’t no problem, that he can do it, but fuck that. I worked my ass off to make her, nobody else will know her like I do, and if they do ANYTHING it might destabilize the whole fuckin’ thing. So in the worst case, if there’s a problem with her, turn her off and stick her in a closet until I’m back in town.
Second thing: I made Melinda Meyers some goggles. Have her give Dr. Ottomata a proper look-over with the goggles every day, at least once. It’ll only take a few minutes. No, she’s not allowed to fuck with the robot either. But if something weird happens, like… I don’t know. A nature spirit shows up in Junkyard and happens to pick Dr. Ottomata to attack, or… some fuckin’ Luddite with anti-tech-spirit powers shows up… or something unlikely like that… then we’ll know that Dr. Ottomata ain’t stable no mores. And if she ain’t super stable, then you’ll hafta take her offline ’til I can fix ’er.
So, yeah, I think that’s the end o’ my speech. Told you what she can do, cautioned you against the two things that are the most likely to go wrong. She’s got a dog-brain, remember. She’s got a ten g-ray battery pack, but you’ll wanna recharge her intermittently, especially if she’s using her sensors. She’ll warn you once her power gets low, but she should be light enough that someone halfway strong can fireman-carry her to an outlet and plug her in.
Hopefully she’ll work out as-is, and if not then we’ll revise the shit and make a version two. It’s an experiment, and does come with a few risks. Shit, I’m not even sure people will put up with a robot treating them, after the apocalypse and all. I’d definitely stress to yer staff that they ain’t gonna be replaced with robots or nothing though. It takes an insane amount o’ work ta make just one o’ these things, so I certainly ain’t makin’ an army of them to take everybody’s job or nothin’. Hopefully, though, yer staff and patients will both give her a chance to prove herself, and hopefully over time she’ll earn trust. Just like any doctor, I s’pose. Goal’s fer her ta be a useful tool, though, nothin’ like a replacement for a real person. Just ta save the real docs time they need to be spendin’ on more important shit, y’know what I mean?
So yeah, here’s a radio signal you can prob’ly reach me at if I’m anywhere near Junkyard. Got any questions, lemme know. If I ain’t in range… well, worst case power her off and stick her in a closet. And… aww shit. Maybe I better repeat this in Spanish, just ta be sure? Alright.